The sun will shine

By Aaisha

The postpartum depression-the dark side of my life

When I began researching this topic, I learned that it is never openly discussed in Pakistan and also worldwide. I don't know why people are embarrassed to discuss mental health issues. Physical and psychological wellness are equally important. So, why is it considered a pang of guilt?

Postpartum depression has been a nightmare for me. I was completely unaware of it until Aaira was born; I suffered from it for extended periods, which dilated it. Going to a psychiatrist is considered a stain on one's personality in our society. Therefore I never thought of it. By the time I had my third child, I had deteriorated so severely that I was a dead person with no feelings, emotions, or even love for my kids.

I used to be highly irritated by others, cry frequently, and shut myself in the bathroom. I would yell at my children and ignore their needs. I became so angry at times that my entire body shivered, and my body temperature rose. I sometimes need to remember what I've said and often need to remember what I was doing or has done. 

Everything eventually came crashing to the ground. I finally understood that I wasn't behaving normally. It wasn't appropriate to pretend happy when you were not and didn't realize why. There was a time when I wanted to go away but didn't know where and why.

When I mention it, the women around me always remark that it happens in motherhood and that we have to face it. Or they argue that we went through it too but didn't feel the same way; instead, we used to perform all the tasks and make everyone happy. All of it is nonsense. I felt so guilty that I assumed I was a terrible mother or knew nothing about motherhood.

No one could grasp my position at first. However, my parents and husband gradually recognized my problem and began to assist me in overcoming it. Finally, I was directed to a psychiatrist and prescribed medicine. After that, I went to my mother's house since I was continuously tired and couldn't do anything for my children. Strong support makes a difference. My parents and siblings helped me overcome my anger and validate my emotions.

After 8 - 10 months, I started to feel better. In the meantime, I got pregnant again. Both my gynecologist and psychiatrist took great care of me. I began to feel the bond between my children and motherhood's emotions in me.

I'm now in a good place. I am delighted and am starting to feel more like myself. I now also share a great bond with my children. All of that has made me a better person than I was before.

Unfortunately, no one around us is speaking about it. We need to talk about it so that anyone in the same situation can seek help. We don't realize it, but many people fight their battles silently.

As mothers, we always prepare ourselves for the obstacles we face with our children, but we are unconcerned about any challenges we face with ourselves. Unfortunately, this ignorance eventually worsens our lives regarding whatever we are taught and observe. Therefore, prioritizing ourselves is equally important as caring for others around us.